Lies James Maddox Told Me!

Directions should be

easy to read when one is

weary from the road.

In anticipation of the Bread Loaf summer, our program director, James Maddox, always sends out a lengthy document about how to best prepare for the summer (read all of your books, make pandemic flu preparations, yadda yadda yadda). Given the foreign travel aspect of Oxford this year's notice was even more detailed... including step-by-step directions for how to get from your seat on the airplane to your bed at Lincoln College. As a teacher I pride myself on my ability to follow directions, leading me to the following conclusion: Mr. Maddox's letter (not to be confused with Terrence Maddox of SNL fame) was LIES ALL LIES.

Observe. (my remarks in italics)

Travel

You must carry with you a copy of your acceptance letter as proof that you are accepted into the Bread Loaf School of English. Customs will usually require you to produce proof that you are attending an academic program. Also be thoroughly prepared to explain to the lovely girl working at customs that yes, teachers are students too. Something about having my occupation on my immigration card listed as "teacher" and claiming that I was indeed here for as a student for an academic program just didn't seem to jive with her.

Following are the instructions for arrival at Heathrow Airport (commercial flights: Concourse C): that's all well and good Jim, but I arrived at Heathrow Airport, Terminal 4 - note the difference in word choice and labeling techniques... disaster starts here.

1. Go through Immigration; present passport; you will be asked to explain the nature and length of your stay and submit to a full cavity search and mind probe.

2. Collect your luggage downstairs. Nope, not true, no stairs were involved... this is probably when I should have realized that my plane had not arrived at the aforementioned golden gate in Concourse C...

3. If you have nothing to declare (hardly anyone ever does), I declare that I am tired and starting to smell... by I don't need to speak to explain those things, go through Customs exit, green aisle. Actually, the aisles were all green... maybe he's color blind.

4. If you still have no British currency, I'm guessing my ₤ 1 87p leftover from my jr. high trip to Europe wasn't going to be enough for 6 weeks, get dollars converted to pounds at the Barclay's Exchange, near the Customs exit. False: it was American Express. Don't leave home without it. No Phil Mickelson endorsements needed here. There are "cash points" (UK phrase for "ATMs") thanks for the vocabulary lesson located in the area immediately outside the Customs exit.

5. You can take a direct bus ("coach") really... really he needed to clarify that one? to Oxford from Heathrow and Gatwick (X70). this is by far false the best way to reach Oxford from either airport. There is frequent service, and it's significantly cheaper than other means of transportation. After exiting Customs, follow the signs to "Central Coach Terminal" except these signs are nowhere to be found (you will have to follow a maze of underground walkways, and then take a "lift" [aka "elevator"] again with the air- quotes to the ground level; it is very clearly signed. OH NO IT ISN'T. The Oxford coaches (X70; every 30 minutes) always leave from bay number 14 which clearly means bay 11 outside the main coach station and by main coach station he means Terminal 5.

6. Take the bust to the terminal at Gloucester Green actually, first you'll need to go outside the terminal you arrived at, look for bay 14, realize it goes to Cambridge, not Oxford, ask the information desk lady how to get a bus ticket, take the shuttle to Terminal 5, buy a ticket, realize that the ticket time is displayed in military time, check your watch, convert the time, think you have 2+ hours to wait, do some reading, realize that your watch might be wrong, turn on your cell phone, realize it's still on US time, convert it to UK time, see that it's displaying a different time from your watch, find a clock, realize your bus actually leaves soon, go find the bus pick up area... again not bay 14 as previously mentioned --this is the last stop (the bus stops at several other places on the Outskirts of Oxford before Gloucester Green). It's about a ten-minute walk from there to Lincoln college, but if you're loaded down and weary you may wish to take a taxi (tip 10%). If you are walking or following a fellow BreadLoafer, Lincoln College is located on Turl Street, between Broad and High Streets. From Gloucester Green (Gloucester Street) really, really you're going to get that right, but not the directions on how to get a bus ticket??? take a left to George Street. In about a block George Street will turn into Broad Street. Walk one block on Broad and turn right on Turl. You will pass Ship Street and Market Street on your right; the enterence to Lincoln college will be on your left. (It is also possible to disembark from the bus at Queen's College and walk up the High Street love the article before High Street to Turl Street, take a right on the Turl, and arrive at Lincoln College, on your right. Be we are inclined to recommend this advice only to those of you already familiar with Oxford Is that the royal we? Was I not invited to your coronation?).

Following your arrival at Lincoln College be prepared to climb 3 flights of 15th century stairs wearing a 30 lb. pack and carrying a 50 lb. suitcase.

That said, I arrived, on time, safe and sound and luggage intact. I'm not looking forward to going home, ever!